My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
You Might Also Like
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.