Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
is this a warning or an offer?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
This has made my week.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods