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So, can we agree on 4 or
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.