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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
😬
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”