I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?