Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
is this meant to deter me
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club