No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.