Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

*pronounces fake like saké*

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher