“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
peep davidson
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.