*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
This is not me but this is me
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
incredible text to wake up to
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.