It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Breaking news:
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10