Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol