Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Ion see the issue
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”