wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
🌱🌱🌱
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later