I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
You Might Also Like
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…