There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Ironic
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming