I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[SPELLING BEE]
âYour word is HOTELIERâ
âCan you use it in a sentence?â
âI bet my hotel is hotelier than yoursâ
Daughter: Before the internet howâd you get anything done?!
Me: I donât remember honey. Google it.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
REALITY SHOW HOST: âŚand one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, thatâs going to be my daughterâs major.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
đYears
âđ 2022
âđ Good stuff
ââ ď¸ This folder is empty
One day youâre young and spry and the next youâre watching videos of people taste testing their friendsâ Subway sandwich orders.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous testsâŚ
STICK BUG WIFE: âŚand?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to âprepare me for the real worldâ when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
one of
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.