[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving