Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”