*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
🙁
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Oh my god