3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
You Might Also Like
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The government even made aliens boring
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!