DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
A wise man once said nothing.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.