Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
no
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.