I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.