living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”