[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.