When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You Might Also Like
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
U talkin 2 me?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.