i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.