What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.