I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?