ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ