Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.