Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit