#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
twitter is a journey
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill