If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Brb my Sims are getting married
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.