i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.