I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG