My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.