Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
A family that plays together cheats.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Simple enough.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.