Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
You Might Also Like
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house