Everyone’s family
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?