Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
love pickles so much i put myself in one
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Is your wife single?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?