Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
⛄️