Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.