*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
❤️❤️❤️
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)