[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We’ve all been there…
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!