Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
You Might Also Like
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
he looks great for his age
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both