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I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The three genders
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.