There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name