Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles